Whether you’re searching for that “perfect” spouse, engaged and getting ready for marriage, or you’re already married but having a difficult time, this khutbah is a must. Ayden Zayn shares very practical and realistic advice that is based upon his own experience, and upon the guidance provided by the Qur’an and Sunnah.
CHAPTERS:
We Need to Talk About Why Many Muslims Are Not Happy in Marriage
Dating, Sex and Misbehaving Before Marriage: Do You Expect Allah’s Blessings?
No Dating in Islam? Then How Do We Get to Know Each Other?
Finding Your Spouse on the Internet: A Few Quick Tips That May Help
Arranged and Forced Marriages: Pitfalls That Parents and Couples Need to Be Aware Of
Happiness in Marriage Begins With Honest Communication BEFORE Marriage
Marriage Brings New Responsibilities: Are You Ready For That?
Marriage is Not 100% Bliss! Recognize That Occasional Difficulties Are Normal
The Dangers of Resentment: Never Go to Sleep Angry at Your Spouse
If Your Spouse is Going Through a Difficult Time, Help and Support Them!
Always Remember to Turn to Allah and Seek His Blessings and Guidance
Never Resort to Emotional or Physical Abuse With Your Spouse
In-Laws Can Cause Big Problems in Our Marriage
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FULL TRANSCRIPT:
In surah 30 Ayah 21 of the Holy Qur’an, Allah tells us, the English translation of which says: “Of His signs is that He created spouses from among yourselves for you to live with in tranquility. He ordained love and kindness between you. There truly are signs in this for those who reflect”. Now, let’s be honest. We tend to romanticize this ayah, print it on our wedding invitations, and we talk about it in clips like this in Islamic conferences, and we hold it up as this ideal of what a Muslim marriage should be. And it is the ideal. But unfortunately, what we see in reality is that many Muslim couples and many Muslim marriages show something other than tranquility. We observe many of them—not all of them—but we observe many of them bickering, arguing, cutting each other down; they can’t wait to get away from each other. And then when they do get away from each other and you have them off to the side and you’re talking with them, they complain one thing after another about their spouse, constantly complaining and maybe even they backbite them. What we find is that many Muslim couples are not happy in their marriage; they feel this kind of unfulfillment. So what can we do about this?
Inshallah, by Allah’s permission, I want to talk about the Muslim marriage. I myself—I’ve been married, alhamdulillah, for 20 years—I can confidently say that my wife and I are happier today than we were on our wedding day. This is by the grace of Allah. I’ve been blessed in that way and so I feel like I have experiences that I can share with you. The way that my wife and I did it, very briefly: we met online, we courted for about 11 months, then we got married and we went on a nice long honeymoon about three weeks. After that we got back home and we deliberately decided that we would not have kids right away; that we would take our time, and we ended up spending five years in an effort to build that foundation of a solid marriage. After that, by Allah, we were blessed to have four children. I pray, inshallah, that what I’m going to tell you—much of it is rooted in Qur’an and Sunnah, but a lot of it is rooted in my own experience—will, inshallah, help you in your situation. Of course I can’t cover every topic, but I’ll try to give you the most salient points.
Point number one is that we need to understand the whole concept of barakah. This idea of barakah is the blessings of Allah in everything that we do. If we’re not striving to please Allah our Creator, we will not have that tranquility and that happiness and that success not only in marriage but in anything that we do. If we understand this concept of barakah, of blessings, it’ll go a very long way for us. I want to share with you a hadith of the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him: he mentioned a man who, having journeyed far, is disheveled and dusty and who spreads out his hands to the sky saying, “O Lord, O Lord”—so praying to Allah, asking Him for something—but his food is haram, his drink is haram, his clothing is haram and he has been nourished with the haram. How can his supplication be answered? The problem is that we don’t put Allah at the center of the universe; we don’t make Him the most important thing in our life. Many times we make decisions—whether they’re important decisions like marriage or smaller decisions—without thinking, “How will Allah respond? Is this the right thing to do? Is this according to what He tells me I should do? Is this according to Islam?” We don’t even think of Allah in many cases. So in marriage or before marriage, when we’re looking for a spouse, we’re breaking all the rules of Allah: we’re holding hands, we’re speaking in ways with each other that we shouldn’t—very immodestly—saying things that we shouldn’t say to each other romantically, seductively, whatever. Sometimes we’re going even beyond holding hands and we’re kissing or maybe even doing something more than that, if you know what I mean. Sometimes people are even living together with each other. How do we expect the blessings in that relationship and ultimately in that marriage if we’re breaking the rules in the first place? If we’re breaking the rules of Allah, the barakah will not come.
When we finally do decide to get married, we have the Islamic ceremony: we bring the imam, we recite the Qur’an, we make nice duas, we have the wedding, they get married, and then what happens just a few minutes later? The party happens and the dancing between men and women who are not related happens at the walimah; maybe even drinking—some Muslims drink. Yet just a few minutes earlier we were reciting verses from the Qur’an and asking for Allah’s blessings, so there’s a disconnect between what we say and what we do, or what we believe. If we want the barakah of Allah, we cannot do these things. Am I here telling you that we can’t have fun? No, I’m not saying that at all. I believe in having fun, but with certain limits. In general, we have to have fun within the Islamic guidelines—simple as that. If people hearing this are those who did do these haram things before they got married—if they did date, if they did have relations that were not allowed, if they did have parties at their wedding—the idea is to say, “O Allah, forgive me; make tawbah,” and don’t lose hope. There’s always a chance that Allah will forgive you; you have to have sincerity and make the effort to change your way. Even if you’re getting to know somebody right now and you’re in a haram relationship or you’re living with them, try your best to get out of that situation or get married as soon as you can.
Number two: we need to be pragmatic in getting to know one another to some extent before marriage, as much as is Islamically permissible. In the ayah I already mentioned, Allah says He created spouses from among yourselves, and what many of the scholars say that means is that your spouse should be like you—you should be similar to them, have similar interests, connect in some way on some higher level. Therefore you should get to know each other to some extent. Now some people may say, “How can we do that if we can’t date?” We have to look and see how Islam allows us to get to know each other. The key is to spend quality time with one another, but you cannot do it in privacy; you cannot do it alone. You have to follow certain rules. Practically speaking, one of the good ways to do that is to meet in public or to meet amongst your families. The family should not be always right there on top of them monitoring every little thing they do—no; they can be in a separate room, getting to know each other, talking, speaking, sitting with each other (not touching, of course), but they should have a certain amount of privacy—not seclusion, but privacy in the sense that they can speak openly and freely without the parents hearing them. This is really important because when you get married to somebody, this is how you’re going to be with them: you’re going to be talking to them, speaking with them, sitting near them. There’s something that happens between people when they’re with each other: a chemical reaction—you secrete certain hormones that tell you, “You know what? I don’t feel right with this person,” or “I do feel right with this person.” Can I be brutally honest? What if you don’t like the way he or she smells? You may laugh at that, but it’s true. You’re planning on living with this person for the rest of your life, so it’s important to have that interaction—again, within the Islamic guidelines: not touching, not speaking immodestly. There is value in being with each other from a very practical standpoint. Meet in order to feel the vibe of that person, which you cannot get through text, email, or phone, and then ask yourself the questions: Am I having good conversations with them? Are they making me laugh? Do we have a lot in common? Are there awkward moments of silence?
To give a little bit of my background: when I was looking for a wife I spent about five years searching. I met many different families and many sisters and I did exactly this. I sat down and spoke to some sisters one-on-one with the family in the other room. Sometimes we met at restaurants in public and sometimes it went well, where we had conversations, but other times conversation was very forced. It was not natural; it was very awkward, and I knew within 20 minutes that this woman could not be my wife. We can’t barely get past three or four minutes without awkwardness and just not connecting on things. This is important: sit down, have these conversations and interactions. My advice to those people who are looking for a wife or spouse online is try to meet as soon as possible because you cannot have relationships online forever. Internet interaction is good for making a connection, but you have to meet as soon as possible. Before you meet, I would recommend seeing a photo of the person because when you hear their voice or read their words on the screen you have certain images in your mind of how they should look. They may send you an image and you say, “Wow, that looks pretty nice,” but a lot of times (and this has happened to me) it’s a glamor shot or a picture from 10 years ago and they never told you. Or maybe you see a picture that you don’t like—but remember some people are not photogenic. It goes both ways. You have to meet as soon as you possibly can because marriages are not through phone or internet or email or text; it’s in person—you’re going to live with that person for the rest of your life, hopefully, inshallah. Meet with them as soon as you can. Because of that, I would recommend not corresponding with somebody who’s in a different location than you—meaning a far enough distance where you’d have to take an airplane to get there—because it’s just not practical. It should be within driving distance; be practical when you’re getting to know somebody.
Lastly with this point, I want to talk a little bit about arranged marriages because this is a big issue. I don’t have time to go into it in detail, but in general I don’t have a problem with arranged marriages; what I have a problem with is forced marriages. If we force our son or daughter into a marriage, that’s a big problem because of that word “forced.” If you’re forcing them, you’re doing it against their will, and ultimately they won’t be happy no matter how it looks on the outside. If you’re forcing them to get married, question yourself: why are you doing that? Are you doing that to please another family? Are you doing that to please somebody else? Are you doing it because you’re doing it for monetary gain for yourself? Why are you really doing it? I understand arranged marriages are part of certain cultures, so I have no problem with that, but the key is: do the ones getting married have a problem with it? That’s the important question. I would encourage parents who are thinking about arranged marriages to at least consult with your son or daughter beforehand and ask them, “Are you okay with us arranging the marriage for you?” Arranged marriages can have many different meanings: it can mean the parents find the spouse and take care of everything from start to finish and then, the day before the wedding or even the day of the wedding, you present the bride or the groom and say, “This is the person you’re marrying.” In some cases it works; I’ve met many people who say, “I had an arranged marriage; I met my wife or husband the day of our wedding and we’ve been married for 50 years happily.” No problem. But I’ve met other people and heard of other cases where that’s not the case; it didn’t work out. It depends on the person’s personality—are they okay with it? Simple as that. If they’re not okay with it, have discussions, negotiate, figure out what’s best. Another piece of advice to parents inclined to arrange marriages: recognize that this is not required Islamically and recognize that this is mainly a practice of your own culture. If you migrate to another country and raise your children there, guess what: their culture is not your culture. They will adopt ways of that country. I’m not saying they will do un-Islamic things; I’m an American Muslim, born and raised in America, and I’m conscious of doing things the Islamic way. Islam is universal and can be applied in any culture. When I say they are part of that culture, I don’t mean they adopt un-Islamic ways; they simply wear American dress that is Islamically acceptable, they eat American foods, they speak in an American way—you have to accept that unless you shelter them at home, which is not practical or realistic. They will grow up in those cultures and adopt some habits. In Western culture, arranged marriages are not the culture, so I emphasize: parents thinking about arranged marriages, discuss it with your children. Communication is the key. Children may find it difficult because they don’t want to go against the grain; they may be afraid to rock the boat. I encourage them to think about the long-term consequences: you might end up stuck in a marriage, maybe with children, where you’re not happy because you didn’t get to know that person before marriage. Approach your parents delicately and respectfully and explain your concerns.
That leads me to point number three: we need honest and open communication before marriage. When you’re having that time with your potential spouse and you’re sitting across the table from them, ask the really important questions: What do you think about having children? Some people get married and never discuss the issue of children, then later find out, “My husband doesn’t want to have kids,” or “My wife doesn’t want to have kids,” and that becomes a big problem—after you’ve had a huge wedding, families flying in from all over the world, and you didn’t talk about this very important question. Talk about salah: what are the expectations with salah? Do you pray five times a day? That’s important. These things need to be talked about before marriage, before you meet a second time. If my potential wife told me she doesn’t pray five times a day, that’s it—I’m done. I myself pray five times a day; I don’t want to be with somebody who doesn’t. Ask about hijab: I see you’re wearing hijab now, but do you wear it all the time? If that’s important to you, make it an issue; be honest and open. The best time to do it is now, before you advance further—things become much more complicated to get out of later. Talk about money, talk about travel expectations—anything that’s important to you should not be off limits. If you’re shy about it, approach the family: say, “I had a question about your daughter/son,” and ask. If you’re embarrassed to do that, have your family meet with their family or send an email or text—just get the information. I thought about this very deeply: for my daughter, inshallah, if she gets to the point where she finds somebody and wants to get married, I thought, “I’m going to take him out to dinner at a specific time just before maghrib. We’ll make sure the nice hot dinner is delivered right on our table around maghrib time, maybe 10–15 minutes into maghrib, and I want to see how he responds. Is he checking his watch? Is he nervous? Is he getting into his meal?” If he’s traveling, different story—he can combine and delay his prayer—but if he’s not and I have to initiate it by saying, “Brother, we have about 15 minutes left to pray; we got to go pray,” and he responds, “Oh yeah, you’re right,” that’s a problem. I would tell my daughter, “He might not have his priorities straight. You may want to reconsider.” I would hope she’d say, “Daddy, you’re right; I want somebody who puts prayer first.” Do these things: anything within the Islamically allowable processes to find out who this person really is.
One of the best things you can do is present a stressful situation to them. People put on a good face when times are easy, but engage that person in more than a one-on-one conversation: get families together, do a project or organize an event and put a little stress on them—see how they respond. Do they respond impatiently? Do they respond in a way unbecoming of someone who claims to follow Islam? Everyone loses their temper now and then—that’s fine—but is it a habit? How do they treat their own family, their parents? Observe them. Do you want to marry somebody who backbites their mother or father or treats them harshly, rudely, or disrespectfully? If they can do that to their parents, they’ll easily do it to you.
Number four: when we get married we need to recognize that we can’t behave the way we did before marriage because your responsibilities have changed. Before getting married, think practically: how are you going to be now that you’re living with another person? How will that change things? I made the mistake of not thinking about this much. After our honeymoon, my wife and I got back home and settled in. The first Saturday after the honeymoon I had a home business: I woke up, made my salah, and my wife expected me to come back to bed. I went into our home office and started working as I normally did before marriage. She said, “What are you doing? It’s Saturday.” I said, “Yeah, I work on Saturdays.” She said, “No, you’re married now—come back to bed; let’s rest; let’s do other things couples do.” Your responsibilities change; think about this deeply. Can you adjust? If your spouse says, “It’s okay, you can do that,” that’s fine; negotiate and communicate so expectations are clearly understood long beforehand.
Now, a few things to implement after marriage…
Number five: recognize that difficulties and differences in our marriages are a reality and normal. We may be in a honeymoon phase where it’s blissful, but when you get back home, the reality of life sets in and you’ll discover differences in your spouse. The post-honeymoon phase is the second most important phase in any marriage (the first being the getting-to-know-you phase). In the post-honeymoon phase you discover things you didn’t see before because now you’re living together daily: idiosyncrasies, habits that frustrate you. Commit to working through it; work as a team and don’t give up at the first signs of difficulty. Many people think marriage is only bliss and at the first sign of trouble they want divorce—don’t do that. You’re in it for life: you may not connect on everything, but identify what is really important to you and where you can make compromises. My wife and I spent five years doing this and, as difficult as it was, it’s worth it. You’re building the foundation for your marriage. If you don’t do this before having children, kids—while a blessing—are a tremendous responsibility and will take time and energy away from your marriage. Do the hard work now so when difficulties come you know you’re solid and can provide a healthy example for your children.
Number six: honest and open communication is essential—before and after marriage. In conflict resolution, communicate—don’t hold things inside. One of the biggest problems in relationships and in marriage is that we don’t convey the honest truth. I’m not saying say whatever is on your mind; say it diplomatically and tactfully, but get it off your chest. If something is bothering you, express it. We see many marriages destroyed by explosions of anger, sometimes physical abuse. Why does this happen? In many cases it’s because resentment has been building up over time: relatively small issues pile up because we sweep them under the rug, saying “I’ll let it go,” until it builds like a volcano and explodes. Listen to this hadith: the companions were sitting with the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, and he said, “Coming upon you now is a person of Jannah,” and a man walked in whose beard was disheveled and who was carrying his shoes in his left hand—just a normal guy. A little later the Prophet said the same thing and the same man walked in. This happened three times to the point that Abdullah ibn Amr (may Allah be pleased with him) went to the man and said, “The Prophet said some amazing things about you; can I stay with you?” The man said, “Sure,” so he stayed for three nights and observed him doing his regular routine and saw nothing special. As he was leaving he told the man, “The Prophet said you were special, but I don’t see anything special about you.” The man became frustrated, then stopped him and said, “Oh wait—one thing I forgot to tell you: when I go to sleep at night I don’t have any ill feeling or any jealousy in my heart for any Muslim.” Think about that: someone who goes to sleep without ill feelings in their heart. What about us as husbands and wives, or parents and children? We often go to sleep with ill feelings in our hearts. My wife—may Allah bless her—taught me that we would never do that: if we had an argument, we would not sleep until we resolved it. Literally, we’ve had maybe 30–40 instances where we stayed up all night talking, or arguing a little, until we resolved it. I thank her for that; that’s why, by Allah’s grace, we have such a good relationship today. We didn’t let issues fester and build up into resentment and hatred. My advice: communicate, negotiate, compromise, and figure it out.
Number seven: we need to support one another. In surah 2 Ayah 187 the translation says, “They are a garment for you and you are a garment for them.” Think about a garment: you won’t put on something rough and rugged that hurts you; you put on something that suits you and makes you feel good. Our spouses should be a garment for us: your best friend, somebody you want to spend time with, someone you look forward to going home to. How sad is it to be married to somebody you don’t want to go home to? One way to move toward being a garment for each other is by supporting one another. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said the best of you are those who are best to their families, and I am the best to my family. Realize many things we do are an act of worship: serving your family, helping your spouse, helping your children—these are acts of worship. The Prophet said if you help somebody up on their mount, that’s charity. The spirit of that hadith is that helping others is rewarded. Smiling is even a charity. Any act of good is an act of worship, and how much more so if it’s done for your own family. Keep this perspective: everything you do for your family can be rewarded. When my wife got sick in pregnancy, I told myself, “O Allah, accept this as an ibadah,” and that mindset got me through it. Don’t blame the other spouse: be supportive like best friends, as garments for one another.
Number eight: turn to Allah and seek His blessings and guidance in everything you do. One of the best duas you can make is, “O Allah, guide me and guide us to whatever is best for us.” Make the istikhara prayer: ask Allah, “If this person is best for me in my dunya and my akhirah, make it easy for me; if not, guide me away from it.” Ask Allah to guide us to whoever is best because He knows what is best.
Number nine: never resort to emotional or physical abuse. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) never struck his wives or a child, and when it came to striking others it was only in the battlefield. I understand people get angry, but we must try to control our anger. Much verbal abuse happens when people get angry. The Prophet said, “If you get angry, change your position: if you’re standing, sit; if you’re sitting, lie down. If you’re lying down, stand and go into a different room.” Break the trajectory toward doing something you shouldn’t. One of the most important things he said is to make wudu: when you get angry you feel hot; water cools you down. We need to manage anger in ways that do not result in violence or verbal abuse. If emotional or physical abuse happens, it’s a sign you need counseling or therapy—there’s no shame in seeking a professional to address these issues.
Finally, number ten: one of the biggest strains on marriage is in-laws. In-laws can be a big problem, not necessarily always, but they can cause issues. Remember: obeying parents is no excuse for displeasing your spouse. The wife has rights and the husband has rights; if in-laws are not getting along with the spouse, consider not living with in-laws or changing how you interact with them. The key is communication, but there’s something deeper: currents of anger, disrespect, and contempt between people. We are not putting Islam into practice. Islam emphasizes a pure heart, good character, and healthy relationships, but in marriages we see much disrespect—fathers or mothers telling their children, “Your spouse is no good,” backbiting them to turn their son or daughter against their spouse. Where is the Islam in that? We’re not putting Allah first; we’re putting ourselves and our desires first, and this must stop.
I want to conclude with a dua from the Qur’an which I think is the best dua: in surah 25:74 Allah tells us to say, “O Allah, give us spouses and children who will be the joy and the comfort of our eyes, and guide us to be models of the righteous.” Ameen. And Allah knows best.